A Day At The Pub
by YamiKatie
Summary: Bakura, Malik and Y.Malik are going to the pub! What could be more sweet, more innocent, more quiet? Hmm, possibly Y.Malik with a chainsaw. Of course, mayhem ensures very early on. Including: Y.Malik eating Isis's bra! Beating up Yami! Madness guaranteed!
1. They're already contemplating suicide, a...

(A/N: OK, stopped abbreviating "Yami Malik" to "Y.Malik" after someone raised an objection. I only did it in the first place cos I often read my fics to myself in my head, to see how they sound, and "Y.Malik" always seemed less of a mouthful. But there you go.)

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A DAY AT THE PUB.

Chapter One: They're already contemplating suicide, and it's only Chapter One.

Disclaimer: This story is wonderful. Really. But I don't own Yu-gi-oh.

Friday 7:31pm

Ring Ring! Ring Ring! Malik sighed and picked up the phone. "Hello, Ishtar residence, Malik speaking."

"Hey Malik, its Bakura. I was wondering if you wanted to go down to the pub this evening? I'm bored to death here."

"Same." Malik paused and looked away from the phone. "Isis? Could you check on Yami for me? He's being awfully quiet."

"Sure." Isis went into the kitchen. "Hello? Hellooooo?" There was a smash. Then: "Damn you Psycho, get the hell out of there!" Isis screamed. There were several gurgling noises, followed by a loud explosion. Water seeped under the door. Isis poked her head into the lounge, up to her ankles in water. "Can you get off the phone and help? The Psycho tried to get in the washing machine again."

Malik sighed again. "Sorry, I've got to go."

"Whatever. Oh, and Malik?"

"What?" he snapped.

"DON'T bring him along."

Malik raised an eyebrow. "Just how stupid do you think I am?"

Bakura smirked. "Have you got all day?"

Malik hung up.

7:44pm

"Ryou!" I'm going to the pub to meet Malik. I'll be back by one!" Bakura called. He bounded down the stairs, to find his hikari blocking his way.

"Oh no you don't!" Ryou snapped. "You said you'd be back by one _last time!"_

"And?"

"You came back at _half past four_ in the morning, wearing nothing except your pikachu slippers, and singing 'Yellow Submarine!'"

Bakura frowned. "Hey, don't diss my pikachu slippers! Anyway, YOU bought them for me."

"Only because I thought you'd like them!"

"Yeah, well, I don't even like pokémon anyway," Bakura mumbled unconvincingly.

Ryou's face turned red with anger. "Fine! I'll just take them back then!" He held up the said slippers and made as if to put them on.

Bakura's eyes widened. "Woah! Now let's not get hasty. I've had those slippers for a long time. They have…sentimental value!"

Ryou sighed heavily and held them out. "Thanks. SUCKER!" Bakura yelled. He snatched the slippers so hard the heads tore off. His light was left holding the ripped-off pikachu heads. He threw one at the retreating head of his yami, who ducked just in time. "Ha! Missed me!" Bakura yelled, and was instantly smacked in the face with the other one.

7:53pm

__

"Wait just a moment!"

Malik jumped and spun round, looking guilty. "What?"

"Haven't you forgotten something?" Isis put her hands on her hips.

Malik dashed to the mirror. After frantically surveying his reflection for a few moments, he looked up. "Um…no?"

His sister pointed accusingly at Yami Malik, who was lying on the sofa, with something hanging from his mouth. Malik hurried forward and pried the object from his yami's teeth, only to drop it in disgust. "Ewww!"

Isis let out a shriek. "THAT'S where my favourite bra went to!" She picked it and carried it out of the room, cooing softly to it. "It's okay now, my baby, that nasty Psycho won't eat you anymore, OR I'LL EAT HIM! Now into the laundry basket you go, my poppet…"

Yami Malik started crying. "What's wrong now?" Malik snapped.

"Want…my…chew-chew panties…" sobbed his yami. Rolling his eyes, Malik ran upstairs and, after some careful selection, returned holding a pair of very old, holey pants.

"Here take these," he said, holding his nose.

Yami Malik's face lit up. "Chew-chew-panties!" he grabbed the 'chew-chew panties' and stuffed them into his mouth.

"Make sure you chew them thoroughly before swallowing," Malik warned. "AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH AFTERWARDS!"

8:16pm

Bakura glanced down at his (stolen) Gucci watch and tapped his foot impatiently. "Damn it Malik, where are you?"

Approaching footsteps made him look up. "Finally…" His voice died away as he saw who was standing next to Malik. Bakura's voice rose to a scream of horror. "I thought I told you NOT to bring him!"

Malik shrugged. "Isis made me."

"MALIK'S IN LOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yami Malik screamed.

"W-what? No I'm not!" Malik glared at his yami. "I thought you promised to be quiet? _Anzu_," he added, in answer to Bakura's raised eyebrow. "She's been stalking me here. She should appear at any moment."

"Ah." They both repressed involuntary shudders. Bakura nodded in sympathy. "I feel your pain."

8:22pm

Bakura marched up to the counter. "I'll have a-KAIBA?!?!?! What the HELL are YOU doing here?"

Malik joined him. "That sounds good, I'll have it with vodka and-KAIBA?!?!"

Seto Kaiba nodded his head in acknowledgement. "That's my name, don't wear it out."

Malik blinked. "Why are you here? You're a millionaire. You're not supposed to hang out in dodgy places like this."

Kaiba grunted. "I work here."

Malik turned to Bakura. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Bakura nodded dreamily and pulled out his (also stolen) Canon 300D digital camera from Ra-knows-where. "We could make millions from the pictures alone."

Yami Malik decided it was time to make his presence known. "Malik's in looooooooooooove!" he cried, making yet another of his intelligent, rational and totally appropriate comments.

Kaiba blinked while the information registered in his head. Then he smirked. "Oooh, in love? With who?"

"Anzuuuuu!" squealed Yami Malik triumphantly.

Malik could feel his will to live slowly ebbing away.

"I think you need to get him put down," Bakura stated.


	2. Doom in a miniskirt EDITED!

Chapter Two: Doom in a miniskirt.

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-gi-oh! Why can't you accept that?

Friday 9:03pm

The pub door creaked open, and everyone turned around to see who it was. Next to him, Bakura could feel Malik slump against his chair, murmuring, "No…no…no…"

"I'll catch you if you fall over," Bakura whispered.

Anzu skipped into the pub. She was wearing a bright pink miniskirt, a boob tube, fake-fur boots and a big, sickly smile. Walking directly over to their table, she said brightly, "Bakura! Fancy seeing you here! How are you?"

Bakura muttered something unintelligible and shrank back against his chair.

"Here it comes," groaned Malik.

Anzu sidled up to her victim, blinking rapidly in a way that she obviously thought was attractive. "Hiya Malik," she said coyly.

Malik gave her a fake smile. "…Hello Anzu."

"Anyway _dah-ling_," she said (sounding as if they were a very close and intimate couple), "I was wondering if you were free sometime, we could, like, spend some time_ together_.

Malik goggled at her, temporarily speechless. _Sweet Ra, she comes on quick._ "Er…" he played for time. "Look Anzu, I really don't think we should go out," he babbled desperately. "There…are things you don't know about me. I-I take drugs! I get pissed every night! I spend my free time beating up my sister! I-"

"He smokes," Bakura chipped in helpfully.

"I-yeah, that's it! I smoke! I smoke real, real bad."

Anzu leered at him. "I like baaaaaaad boys."

"No! No, I'm a good boy! Really I am!

Bakura started sniggering uncontrollably and hastily stuffed his fist into his mouth.

"Look, can't we discuss this over a few drinks?" Malik pleaded. _And if she's as easy as I think she is, we could throw her out after the first glass._

Anzu shook her head. "No thanks, I don't drink."

"Malik's a naughty boy!" Yami Malik giggled.

Malik dropped his chin into his hands. _Why me Why me Why me?_

Suddenly his yami was in his face again. "Aww, Malik's upset. WHAT'S WRONG?" he screamed.

Malik pushed his yami away. "Go away. Go talk to Anzu, or something."

Yami Malik shrugged. "Okay." He walked over to Anzu. "Oi, Anny-Fanny. Will you join me in a pointless and boring conversation?"

"Ooooooh, he's so sweet!" Anzu squealed, enveloping him in a hug. The two weirdoes retreated to a dark corner of the pub, and started having a pointless and boring conversation.

9:11pm

Malik wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. "Thank Ra that's over. Hey you," he grabbed a passing barman by the collar, "get me a drink. I don't care what. Just something with alcohol in. A lot of it."

"How about no?" The barman smirked.

"Just get me a goddamn drink!"

"Why the hell should I?"

"Because I want one!"

"Get it yourself!"

A muscle was twitching in Malik's forehead. Pulling out the Millennium Rod, he pointed it threateningly at the annoying barman. "I _command_ you to."

The man's eyes went blank. "Yes…master…" he walked slowly towards the counter, arms outstretched in front of him. He shuffled back a few minutes later, carrying what looked like most of Japan's supply of alcohol with him. It was all tipped onto their table. Malik smiled in satisfaction, and put away the Rod.

"Right, where do we start?"

10:57pm

Malik knocked back his fifth beer and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. "Mmm…beer."

Bakura was on his eighth beer. "Oooh, Malik's drunky!" he slurred. "Everyone point and laugh!" He pointed to a table on the other side of the room and started laughing hysterically.

Malik burst into tears. "Hey, I'm more drunk than you are anyway!"

"Am not!"

"Am too!"

"Am not!"

"Am too!"

"Am…urgh…" Bakura leaned over and threw up. "Am not…"

11:01pm

Anzu walked over. "Oh Malik, I'm sooooooo sorry but I've got to go! I promised daddy I'd be home by eleven and I'm a whole minute late! Well, see you tomorrow!"

Malik choked on his sixth beer. "WHAT?" Anzu slipped an arm around him and started rubbing his back.

"Malik's dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!" screamed Yami Malik, and punched him in the back. Malik smashed into the table, and then slid to the floor, unconscious.

Bakura looked up from the table. "Hey Malik, you alright down there?"

"We're playing!" gurgled Yami Malik.

"Oh. Well that's alright then."

11:31pm

Malik opened his eyes. There appeared to be a giant pink pig in front of him. He hastily shut them again. "I think he's coming round!" Anzu purred.

Malik scrambled to his feet. "What just happened?"

"Anzu gave you the kiss of life!" Yami Malik screeched.

__

Things really can't get any worse.

"Actually, it looked like lot more than that," a familiar voice said smugly.

"Bye, Yami!" Anzu called as she left the pub.

__

Oh Ra, I really shouldn't think things like that.

"Pharaoh?" Malik croaked.


	3. Fun and Games with the Pharaoh EDITED!

Chapter Three: Fun and games with the Pharaoh.

Disclaimer: I know I don't own Yu-gi-oh! Stop rubbing it in!

Friday 11:44pm

Bakura lurched over. "So Pharaoh, we meet again."

Yami stepped back distastefully. "Aren't you drunk?"

"Who are you calling drunk?" Bakura slurred. "I'll have you know I'm a lot more drunk than Malik! He's only had five beers."

"Hey! I may have blacked out but that doesn't mean I'm completely sobered up!" Malik protested. "Besides, it was six beers."

Yami smirked. "Looks like someone's got ants in their pants."

"PANTS!" screamed your friendly neighbourhood psycho. He jumped on top of Yami and started trying to chew his hair.

"Ah! I'm being soiled!" Yami tried vainly to push Yami Malik off him, but without success.

"Hey! Leave my yami alone, Pharaoh!" Malik pulled out the Millennium Rod with one hand and tried to throttle the Pharaoh with the other.

"Hey! I thought we agreed in Battle City that I would be the one to kill the Pharaoh!" Bakura pulled out the Millennium Ring with both hands and, wrapping the cord around Malik's neck, tried to throttle him.

"Why are you trying to kill ME? We're on the same side-Ack!" Malik started choking.

Suddenly someone picked them both up at the same time and threw them to the ground. "I'M THE PYSCHOPATH ROUND HERE THEREFORE I WILL KILL THE PHARAOH AND IF YOU GET IN MY WAY I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" Yami Malik's voice rose to an inholy screech that drowned out all other noise in the pub. People were starting to stare at them.

Malik raised an eyebrow. "Calm down yami. Look, you can kill the Pharaoh if you really want to."

"Hey!"

"Shut up Bakura."

"Must...have...blood..."

"Shut UP Bakura."

"But I don't want to be killed!" Yami protested from the floor.

Bakura interrupted him. "You'll BE killed and you'll LIKE it!" he screamed.

"Ra, you're cranky tonight," commented Malik.

"Yeah, well, I have major killing-withdrawal-symptoms," Bakura grumbled.

Malik thought for a moment. "Can't we just cut off his arm and you can hack it about for a few hours?"

Bakura's face brightened. "That's good enough for me."

11:58pm

Bakura, Malik and Yami Malik were lounging around on comfortable chairs while a thoroughly trussed up and pissed off Yami glared at them from the chair he was tied to. They had spent the past hour throwing knives and forks at an apple on Yami's head, before Yami Malik got bored and started throwing chairs everywhere. Malik and Bakura had had to physically stop him from doing this, as it would kill the Pharaoh too quickly. They wanted to savour every moment.

"Oh yeah, Bakura, what was Anzu talking about when she said she'd see me tomorrow?" Malik asked lazily.

Bakura shrugged. "Oh, that. The Psycho told about 'how keen' you were on her, and how you were playing 'hard-to-get' because you thought it would arouse her more. He ended up fixing you a date with her tomorrow."

Malik's eyes bulged out. "WHAT?!"

Bakura blinked. "Pardon?"

Malik's eyes now bulged out to the point where it looked painful. "I said WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!"

His best friend was unfazed. "You know, you really should see an Optician or something about those bulging eyes."

"I DON'T NEED TO SEE AN OPTICIAN!!!"

As you could probably tell, Malik was having the teensiest-possible problem holding back his temper.

Yami Malik giggled and started singing:

"Malik and Anzu sitting in a tree

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

First comes love, then comes marriage,

Then comes Malik pushing a-"

It was when the Pharaoh started humming along that Malik lost it. "SHUT. UP. NOW! **OR I'LL SHUT YOU UP PERMENANTLY!"**

Bakura smirked. "I'd like to see that."

Malik took a deep breath. "FINE!" He strode over to Yami, grabbed him by the throat and started squeezing. "DIE, PHARAOH!"

"Ack! Why do you want to kill me anyway?"

"YOU KILLED MY FATHER!" Malik screamed.

Yami's voice deepened. "No, Malik. I AM your father."

Malik blinked. "Really?"

"...No."

Malik shrugged. "Okay then. DIE ANYWAY!" He resumed strangling. Suddenly he stopped, looking confused. "Hang on. If YOU didn't kill my father, then who did?"

Yami Malik stopped dancing and put up his hand. "Actually, that was me."

Malik's eyes bulged out again. "You? It was you all along?" When his yami nodded happily he let out a feral scream and launched himself at him. "DIE! DIE ALREADY, DAMN YOU!"

Yami Malik struggled fruitlessly for a second, then felt on the table behind for a potential weapon. His fingers closed on the Millennium Rod, and he hit Malik over the head with it. Malik crashed to the ground for the second time.

With a sudden burst of strength, Yami tore apart his restraints and raced to the pub door before you could say, "The Pharaoh was scared." Yami Malik raised an eyebrow. "Why the hell didn't he do that in the first place?"

Bakura shrugged. "Maybe he was enjoying himself."

Saturday 1:32am

Malik groaned and sat up, rubbing his head. He saw that Bakura was leaning over him and hastily backed away. "Hey, don't tell me YOU gave me the Kiss of Life this time."

Bakura rolled his eyes. "And that's what I get for being concerned. No, I didn't actually. Although we could make up for it..."

"Maybe later," Malik replied absently. "Hey, where's my yami?"

"Oh, flirting with Kaiba, I think..." Malik leaned over just in time to see Yami Malik slap Kaiba's bum. Kaiba ran away with a high-pitched giggle. "Anyway," Bakura continued, "come over here and have a Heineken. There are only four left and I think we need to give them a loving home..."


	4. The End of the world as we know it EDITE...

Chapter Four: The End (of the world as we know it)

Disclaimer: Yu-gi-oh belongs to me. ME, do you hear? ME!!! Actually, it doesn't.

Saturday 2:51am

"Malik and Bakura have been sitting at that table for the last hour," mused Kaiba. "What ARE they up to?" He wandered over for a look.

2:52am

Malik and Bakura were staring intently at a glass of beer on the table. "That beer has bits in it," Malik said in wonder.

Bakura nodded in agreement. "Hey, look! That bit's bigger than that bit. In fact, it's the biggest bit of them all! Mwahahaha!"

"No way. That bit is, like, sooooo much bigger."

"Not as big as my bit."

"Yes it is!"

"You're just jealous. Hey, bet you 100 dollars that bit falls to the ground first."

"Done."

They both stared carefully as the two bits of Ra-knows-what crumbled slowly to the bottom of the glass.

"HA! Mine was first! Take that, foolish mortal!"

"HA! Well I don't have 100 dollars, so stick that up your arse and shit on it, stupid spirit!"

Bakura frowned. "It's too small." His face broke into an evil grin. "I'll take your kidney instead!" He reached over and punched Malik's leg feebly. "Ha! I've got it!"

Malik started laughing hysterically.

"What's so funny?" Bakura snapped.

"I keep my kidney in my OTHER leg! Ha ha!"

"Not fair!" Bakura burst into tears.

"Jesus, did you two escape from the funny farm or something?" Kaiba interrupted.

"Oi! I buy my beer Hic! from the funny farm!" Malik picked up the bit-filled glass and drowned it in a single gulp. "Mmmm...bitty goodness."

Kaiba raised an eyebrow. "What actually were those bits?"

Yami Malik bounced over. "Hey, has anyone seen my chew-chew-panties?"

3:16am

"Great. Thank you SO MUCH Malik, for spitting your drink in my face," Kaiba grumbled. "Has anyone got a tissue?"

Yami Malik blew his nose loudly on a hanky and gave it to him. "I have!"

"Thanks." Kaiba took the hanky without looking at it and wiped his face thoroughly. Everyone stared at him, totally mesmerised. "What's wrong with you people?" he snapped. He put a hand to his face. "OH GOD!!!"

Bakura smirked evilly. "How much to pretend it never happened?" He waved his digital camera threateningly.

Kaiba's face went deathly white. "Anything!"

"Are you any good at blowjobs?"

"Hey, no fair!" Malik complained. "Besides, you owe me two already!"

"Point taken." Bakura thought for a moment. "Erm..."

"You can have my credit card!" Kaiba offered. _He doesn't know my credit card company has permanently frozen that card after he stole it a little while ago._

Bakura shook his head slowly. "No thanks."

__

Damn, Kaiba thought.

Malik's eyes widened. "Are you kidding?! Why the hell not?"

Bakura looked at him pityingly. "Because he doesn't know his credit card company has permanently frozen his card after I ahem borrowed it a little while ago."

__

Damn, Malik thought.

"How about a million, billion, trillion, gazillion dollars EACH?" said Bakura.

"I don't carry that sort of money around with me!" Kaiba protested.

"Yeah, right. Hand it over, Moneybags." Bakura made impatient, grabbing motions with his fingers. Kaiba sighed and opened his briefcase.

"Is that briefcase surgically attached to your hand?" Malik asked sarcastically.

"Sssh! Who told you?"

3:31am

Bakura slapped a wad of bills down on the table. "Hey Slave, get me two of everything."

"Yessir!" Kaiba ran forward, his arms full of bottles.

__

Fifteen minutes and about thirty drinks later...

"And then I'm like, no way! I mean, the Pharaoh's dick is like, _this big,_ whereas his brain is like, this _big._"

"Wow, you're funny!" Yami Malik started laughing.

"Hey, that's my cue! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! See?" Malik's eyes were strangely unfocused.

Bakura held up something yellow. "Look! My pikachu slippers!" He put them on his hands. "Mwhahahaha! I am the wearer of the sacred pikachu slippers! Bow before me!

The two Maliks set up a chant. "All hail Pikachu! All hail Pikachu!" They bowed before the sacred slippers. "Pika pi!"

4:30am

"Well, he should be here any minute now..." Ryou looked up to see three figures dancing at the bottom of the street.

"Ryou! I love you!" Bakura flung himself at his hikari, knocking him to the ground.

"Er...I love you too, yami." _In an alternate universe, maybe._

"Not you, asshole! YOU!" Bakura pointed to an empty space next to Ryou.

"Um, yami, there's no one there."

"That's what they always say!"

__

Let's see, Ryou thought.

Home at 4:30am - Check

Pissed as hell - Check

Wearing nothing - Oh God, Check

Worshipping Pikachu - Check

Singing 'Yellow Submarine' - Che-

He looked up to see Malik and Yami Malik doing the can-can. "Paint it green! Pain it blue!" Malik chanted.

"Paint it red! You're dead!" Yami Malik screamed. He formed his hand into a gun-shape and prodded Malik.

"Aaah! I'm dying!" Malik fell to the ground, clutching his chest. He gazed up at Ryou adoringly. "Ryou, did you see that? I died! Aren't I clever?"

"Uh, yeah. You're a good boy."

Singing 'Yellow Submarine' - Check.

"Well, yami, you've fulfilled my expectations, as usual," Ryou commented dryly.

"I never disappoint!" shrieked Bakura. He lurched forwards and his hikari caught him just in time.

Ryou wrapped an arm around him. "Come on, yami. I'd better get you inside."

"Am I drunk yet?" Bakura tottered forwards and threw up.

"I don't know. Probably."

4:52am

"So, what did you actually do?"

Bakura frowned. "I can't remember. Oh, wait, yes I can. We killed the Pharaoh! Really well! Oh, and Malik's eyes bulge out. Why don't mine do that?"

"You beat up Yami?" Ryou translated. "I'm so proud of you!" He leaned forward and gave Bakura a hug.

"Don't squeeze, woman! Hey, next time YOU come along too!"

Ryou shook his head. "No thanks."

"Why the hell not?

__

Um...let me see: coming home at four-thirty? Singing 'Yellow Submarine'? Getting within a hundred metres of Yami Malik?

Aloud, he said: "I don't look very good in pikachu slippers."


End file.
